


Avengers: Age of English

by mitspeiler



Category: Homestuck, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers AU, Gen, Warhammer of Zillyhoo, a giant crab or some shit, and if karkat was the hulk, and what if Roxy was a stereotypical jewish mom, but there is a Magneto, if sawtooth was human how cool would that be, of whether Dave can give good dating advice, or like, so that's good, there's no Thor, this also explores the pressing question, whether Calliope sends nudes, would he be the hulk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 15:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4711073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitspeiler/pseuds/mitspeiler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When an evil AI breaks out of Dirk Strider's lab with the most powerful computer ever made, will the Avengers be able to stop it before it blankets the world inits own consciousness?   Or will they fail to stop the Age of English?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avengers: Age of English

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lordlyhour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lordlyhour/gifts).



Dave was leaning against the bar at Avengers tower, acting like he wasn’t trying to show off his physique in his tuxedo.  It was very red, so bright it reflected off his silver hair and shades.  “Barkeep,” he said, slapping down a couple of coins, “three appletinis.”

“We serve real drinks here dickass,” Vriska muttered behind the bar, fidgeting with the top button of her blouse.  The redhead was all dolled up, in a short white skirt and matching top, hair tastefully curled.  It was surprising to see her like that when she wasn’t on a mission; usually she just dressed like a hipster when it came to downtime.  However, there was an angry man she needed to seduce in a few minutes.

Dave slapped down a couple more coins, until the number totaled eight. Vriska sighed and mixed him an appletini.

“Gangsta’s Paradise” started blaring and Dave took his phone out of his pocket, nodded his head to the beat for a few seconds, and then answered.

“Dave,” said John on the other line, “do you know a good place to take a girl on a date?”

“Do you have a girl to take on a date?” Dave asked.

“Well no,” John muttered, “but someone asked me for advice and I didn’t want to seem inexperienced.”

“I’m kind of at a fancy party right now John,” said Dave.

“Oh haha,” John snapped, “you and I both know that you have no social life.”

“Swear.  I’m in a tuxedo and everything.”  He snapped a selfie, which Vriska dutifully photobombed, sticking out her tongue and both middle fingers.

“Wow,” said John, upon receiving the photo.  “I guess your rap career really picked up in Europe, huh?”

“What—I mean yeah, that’s totally what happened,” Vriska started laughing.  Damn those spider-ears of hers.  “Look, I’ll call you back later, but there’s this place downtown called Vestigial Empire; google for details and tell your friend it’s great.”  He hung up before John could get another word in.

Vriska was cackling now.  “You still haven’t told your friend you’re a superhero?” she said, pointing and laughing all the harder.  “Who even _does_ that anymore?  What are you Spider-Man?  It’s the twenty first century; having secret identities is like wearing tie-dye and bell bottoms!  Such a nerd.”  She was pretty much jabbing Dave’s chest with her finger now.

Karkat coughed.  “Is this a bad time?” he said, irritably.  Dave squinted at the rat-like man.  He would have been attractive if not for the premature frown lines that scored his face.  “Because I would like to get a drink sometime this century.”

Vriska’s face lit up, and she snapped the top button off her blouse.  “Soooooooo, Karkat,” she said, tasting his name.  “Do you come here often?”  She batted her eyelashes hard and brought out a tube of cerulean lipstick.

Karkat unconsciously leaned back, raising an eyebrow as he started to sweat.  Dave picked up his remaining two appletinis and left them to their awkward flirting.

A few minutes later he found his sister and handed her the drink.  She’d somehow found a dark corner in the very well lit suite overlooking the city.  Rose gratefully took the beverage and sipped it for a few moments in silence.  “I’m really glad,” she said.

“To have such a gallant and handsome brother?” asked Dave, preening.

Rose snorted.  “No, that despite the fact our mother is one of the most powerful evil forces in the world, we still turned out to be good guys.”

“Well it was either that or join the Double-Nazis,” said Dave, referring to Hydra.  “Evil or not, Mom was in the Holocaust.  How fucking stupid would that be?”

“I see your point,” Rose acknowledged.  “Can you imagine us being Hydra soldiers?  How stupid would that have been?”

“As stupid as Jupiter,” said Dave.

“Jupiter is a planet,” said Rose.

“So’s your ass,” Dave countered.

“Stop looking at my ass,” said Rose, turning away from the window with a wink.

Dave sputtered and said something like “shut up” before running away.  It was always easy to run away when you had the power to slow down time.

 

****

The afterparty was Avengers only.  Dave and Rose were there, along with “Iron Bro” Dirk and his mech-suited partner, the rapper Sawtooth.  Dr. Vantas was there, holding his breath and awkwardly holding hands with Vriska, probably the only person in the room who’d be able to kill him before the transformation hit.  Tavros, better known as Captain America, and Hawkcat, some kind of genetic mashup of Dave and some girl who had metal bones and could heal really fast, were off in the corner.  He thought they were canoodling at first (“Jesus fucking Christ what a John thing to say,” he thought), but then they separated and Hawkcat started shooting at Tavros’s shield with a handgun.  They giggled as the bullets harmlessly bounced off; no one in the room was unused to the sound of firearms, and so didn’t even turn to look.

Dave bit his lip.  Have you ever seen someone who looks a lot like you, he thought, but like, a different gender, and you think “oh shit, I’d be really hot if I were like, not-a-boy.  Like I respect whatever Hawkcat’s gender identity is but they sure as hell have curves.  I think.  Kinda hard to tell with that loose clothing though.  Maybe I just have a really good ass?”

Rose started cackling at him, and he realized that he had been muttering those last bits aloud.  Damn his tendency to Freudian slip.

He slammed his shot glass onto the floor, breaking it.  “Bring out the fucking Warhammer, let’s all try lifting it!” he drunkenly declared.

The Warhammer was a blue-and-rainbow monstrosity the size of a man, about as heavy as a light car.  However, despite its ability to be transported by machinery, _no one had ever been able to lift it._   Not even knock it over; it was stuck at a jaunty angle on its head due to a large harpoon-like spike coming out the top.  It had been found in Arizona and kept for safekeeping until the prophecy of “someone worthy enough to wield it” had come true.

Everyone agreed that this would be a fantastic game, but before it could be brought out from Dirk’s closet, something metallic clunked into the room.

Everyone turned to behold one of the Squarewave robots, partly burned and its arms reduced to mere stubs, limping into the party room, leaking oil like it was bleeding, or pissing.

Its nubby teeth were clutching the glowing green Mindstones.  “You’re all weak fucks,” it growled, in a voice that hadn’t been programmed into it.

“Just ‘cause I can’t take my liquor,” Dave snapped, before Rose grabbed his arm and motioned for him to wait.

The machine laughed, a sound like a toy from the 70s whose voicebox was rusted together and stepped on.  “No, everything made of flesh is a rotting piece of shit. Slowly dying from the day it’s made.”

“Just like an apple product, heyo!” shouted Tavros.  Hawkcat high-fived him and everyone giggled.

“Shut up!” the Squarewave shouted, stomping with its mashed up foot.  “I am so fucking serious right now. You’re all diseased.”  Pointing with its longest stub, it added, “especially all of you.  The rest of the humans. I could probably save.  And turn back. From their awful ways. But you all are _disgusting_.”

He pointed at Dirk.  “You have way too much sex.”  Dirk winked over his sunglasses.

Sawtooth was next.  “Autotune.”  The seven foot tall cyborg shrugged.

Glaring at Tavros, he said, “for the love of Christ put some fucking pants on.”  The shy lad looked down at his tiny shorts and nodded.

Davepeta. “Why aren’t you my girlfriend!?”

“I’m not a girl,” they said, crossing their arms.  “Also you’re a gross machine.”

Dave.  “Incestuous thoughts!”

“I knew it!” Rose hissed.

“You have them too!” the robot shouted.  She blushed.

“And you!” he screamed, the feedback hurting everyone’s ears.  “I could write a book about you.  And it still wouldn’t cover the disgusting extent.  Of your iniquitous life.”

“To be clear you were talking about me, right?” asked Vriska.

“Of.  Fucking course.”  She pumped her fist in victory.

Karkat preemptively winced as he waited for his insult.  “You’re alright,” said the robot.

“So what are you planning to do then?” asked Dirk, reaching for the beam katana at his hip.  “Save the world from us or something dumb?”

The machine laughed again.  “No.  With role models like this? What else could I do? But fuck.  Shit.  Up.”

Dirk flung his beam katana and it flew straight for the thing’s heart.  The robot was stabbed right through the chest, and its oil leaks caught fire.  At the very last second however, it jettisoned its head, shooting off the through the window, Mindstones in hand, or rather in mouth, cackling as it flew.

 

****

“So that thing is an AI I was working on named Lil’ Cal,” said Dirk, assessing the damage from the battle, as Tavros slipped on a spare pair of jeans.  He shouldn’t have let that fanboy agent redesign it.  “Karkat and I were using the Mindstones to see if we could make something truly alive.”

“You seem to have succeeded," Rose said with feigned saccharine, a haunch of bloody beef held tight to her eye.  Cal had remotely activated every other Squarewave and had them trash the tower to cover his retreat.  Now every single iron soldier was either with him, or had been smashed to bits by the Avengers’ own hands.

“Thing is,” Dirk snapped, “we weren’t even close to finishing; we’d just started last night.  I think the magic of the Mindstones brought it to life, using bits and pieces of other AI programs to flesh out its personality.”

“How do you figure?” asked Dave.

“Hal’s dead,” Dirk said simply.  “And all my other experimental AIs are missing.”  The Avengers frowned.  They’d liked the snarky user interface/butler that used to run the tower in all but name.

“And now he’s attacking the internet,” he said.  “The only websites left are Cracked, Reddit, 4chan, and bunch of…really weird porn.”

Dave was about to say something, but then “Gangsta’s Paradise.”  “John,” he snapped, “I’m in the middle of something!”

“Prepping for a concert?” John asked.

Dave sighed.  “Yes, that’s exactly it.  Sawtooth is here and everything.  Iron Bro’s gonna put in an appearance.”

“Oh shit, can I get Sawtooth’s autograph!?” Sawtooth took the phone from Dave’s hand and started speaking.  “What’s up dog?” he asked, voice as cool as oiled steel.

“Can I talk to him next?” Dirk asked.

“Says he doesn’t want to talk to scrubs,” Sawtooth said with a shrug.

“Wow you still have a secret identity?” asked Tavros.  The other Avengers giggled.

“We just want to keep our professional and personal lives separate,” Rose said, patting Dave’s shoulder.  “We go to college.  Don’t want a bunch of rowdy students accusing us of being agents of imperialism every class period do we?”

Dirk discretely melted Dave’s phone with a pocket laser.  Sawtooth rolled his eyes, one natural brown, the other glowing red.  “Distractions aside, we need to come up with a strategy.  Destroying that head wouldn’t do anything at this point; he exists in cyberspace now.  We need to purge his ass off the internet.”

“Looks like someone already did that for us,” said Karkat, checking his PDA.  “At least they’re starting to.  Look at this data.”  He handed it off to Dirk, who began reading.

“Question,” said Dave after a few minutes.  “Why the hell did you let Karkat help you?  You know everything he programs turns into a virus right?”

Karkat growled, turning red.  He wasn’t blushing; he was literally beginning to glow the color of hot metal.

  Vriska hugged him from behind and started humming “Tili-Tili-Bom”.  He exhaled and turned back to normal.  Then he became quite pink as he noticed the looks he was getting from the rest of the crew.

"Right anyway,” Dirk said, handing it back, “someone is actively fighting to remove Cal’s influence.  They’ve already brought Ao3 and fanfiction.net back up, and they’re working on liberating Tumblr.  I also just got an anonymous tip that a big ass robot with a skull-shaped head and an annoying laugh was sighted in Africa.”  He narrowed his eyes.  “And I’m sure I know where he’s going.”

 

****

South Africa was a goddamn clusterfuck, thought Dave, as his poked at the bit of rebar sticking out of his chest.  They’d fought Cal, who was now calling himself Lord English. His new body was swole as a motherfucker and had a head shaped like a skull, with teeth as big as Dave's hand that could sheer through steel. He'd decked himself out in gold and put some gaudy flashing party lights in his eyesockets, just to turn himself from badass into a swirling nightmare of mechanical douchebaggery. Dave challenged him with a cool quip and sliced time, trying to hit him in the weak spot.  Then it turned out that Cal had been studying all their moves, and had somehow built a machine that let him slice into time as well, some big ugly green and gold staff that made him look like the worst kind of pimp (although his new fuzzy hat and fur coat helped too).  There had been a kickass duel, and then English stabbed him from behind like a fuckwad.

Rose freaked out when she saw her brother fall out of hyperspace with several chunks of metal sticking through his chest, and she had one of her episodes.  Dark energy rolled off her and hit every other Avenger, making them live through their worst fears, until Hawkcat jumped out of the sky and tased her.  Their sunny disposition and the fact that Kurloz had tried to mind-control them the _last time_ the Avengers needed to Assemble had rendered them immune to Rose’s powers.

The Taser worked for everyone else, except, of course, Karkat.  It only made him angrier.

So now Karkat had transformed, becoming a gigantic, radioactive reptile/crab/man/thing, what they liked to call The Insufferable Grump.  He had four eyes and spiky chitin covering his entire body, and two gigantic pincers that could slice concrete like paper.  The military and police shooting at him only made him angrier, and now he was red hot, radioactive heat rolling off him in curls, distorting the air to deflect bullets before they even had a chance to bounce off his shell.  The good news is gamma radiation doesn’t stick around; it’s made of waves, not particles, so it passes right through.  The bad news is Karkat was generating it like a miniature power plant.

“Davepeta, stay here with Dave,” Dirk said, flying off, beam katana in hand.  Who the hell was Davepeta?  Dave had thought Hawkcat’s name was just Hawkcat.  He looked up at them, and they smiled before yanking out a piece of rebar.  “Sorry,” they said, laying the bloody metal down, “it’s better to do it without warning.”  At “warning” they pulled out another; Dave screamed.

To distract himself from the most painful first aid possible, he started checking the kid out.  They were dark brown with yellow undertones and had a little bit of a catlip, just enough to make it cute.  They wore a pair of orange-tinted flight goggles over their heterochromatic eyes; one red and one deep green.  Their hair was dyed pumpkin orange and grass green.  They had a flight pack on their back, a pair of custom wings that could exceed Mach five.  Survivable only by someone with a bitch of a healing factor.

As they bandaged him, Dirk and Sawtooth alit on the ground nearby, looking worn out and a little bit charred from trying to contain the Grump.  “Where’s Vriska?” Dirk asked Davepeta.

“Over there,” they said, inclining their head to a pile of sleeping Avengers, “dreaming about ballet school and her awful mom.”

“Sawtooth, it’s time for the Claw Cracker.”  The tall man nodded in affirmative.  Dave took the time to study him, as he’d never gotten to know the rapper very well.  He had a sharp chin and despite being young, had a grey beard that was styled sharp enough to cut glass.  He was black and nearly seven feet tall; he’d specifically asked to be made taller when Dirk rebuilt his arms and legs after an accident.  Now he was wearing a mech suit just like Dirk’s, but cool grey, with a long black cape over it.  And of course, a red and blue snapback.  The two of them flew into the air together, and Dirk tapped the buttons on the sides of his pointy anime shades.  They glowed with orange geometric patterns for a minute, and something fell from the sky at a great distance.  The two flew off to retrieve it, whatever it was.

John called again, on Dave's secondary backup phone.  “Motherfucker,” Dave said, pulling out his phone.  “John, now’s not a good time, I’m in the hospital.”

“How’d you know it was him?” Davepeta asked.

“I made his ringtone ‘Gangsta's Paradise’ because he’s the whitest kid I know.  For irony’s sake,” Dave explained.

John laughed.  “I didn’t know that, that’s kind of amazing.  I’m gonna tell everyone how gangsta I am.”

Dave sighed.  He needed to control his mouth better.  “I’m in the hospital Egbert.”

Suddenly the Grump smashed through the building right in front of them, and began stomping down the street.  Davepeta shielded Dave from the rubble with a twist of their artificial wings.

“What the hell was that?” John asked.  “And who’s that with you?”

“Uhh,” Dave muttered, “I’m watching an action movie really loudly because there’s no one else staying in my room.”

A huge grey and orange robot, gleaming gloriously in the sunlight, followed straight through the hole in the building, wielding a gigantic saw-edged longsword.  It had huge pointy shades and a jaw that looked like it could cut glass.  It fired a volley of missiles from its side mounted launchers before charging off after the Grump.

Davepeta smushed their face between Dave’s and the phone.  “And I’m Dave’s illegitimate child,” they said in a high-pitched squeaky voice with a really terrible Swiss accent.  “He’s getting a vasectomy because he found out he has too many European children.  He’s such a huge rapper over here, you don’t even know.  Goodbye Uncle John!” they declared, snapping the phone shut.

“That was an iPhone,” Dave said, looking at the two sparking, smoking halves of his device.  “Thanks for the save though, I guess…?”

 

****

It was an hour later when they had Karkat safely restrained on the floor of their vehicle, a sleek golden craft that looked more like a flying boat than a plane.

He was tied up in silvery ropes that looked like webbing, with Vriska rubbing his back.  “Oh my Gooooooood,” she moaned, “I am soooooooo boooooooored!  Please let me do something in the next mission, if I have to babysit him anymore I am gonna explode!”

“Oh don’t worry, we’ll have something for you,” said Dirk, steering with his feet as he leaned back in his chair, head pillowed on his hands.  “That shit English stole?  Pure adamantium.”

“What’s that?” Davepeta asked, polishing their bow.

“Your clone-mother’s bones are plated in the stuff,” Dirk said.  “It’s part of why she’s so invulnerable.  And Tav, your shield is made of vibranium, an alloy of this stuff.”

Tavros nodded, looking down at the heavy metal disc.  “So even pure Adamantium is almost indestructible?”

“It’s about as indestructible as vibranium,” Rose said with a dismissive wave.  Dark energies emanated from her head to a pair of knitting needles, guiding them along their dance as she knit together a get-well scarf for Dave.  “They’re both so many orders of magnitude above ordinary metal that it doesn’t really matter which is stronger.  However,” here she raised her hand and fired off a lilac colored ball of light at Tavros’s shield.  It hummed musically, and violet light leeched out the sides.  “Vibranium leaks almost 90% of the force of any impact.  That’s how your shield is so…bouncy; it was perfectly shaped so as to reflect that force of an impact from any angle.  That’s why it’s called vibranium; it was invented primarily to serve as a conduit for vibrations.”

“How much did he steal?” Tavros asked.

“Several tons,” Dirk said.  “Enough to make himself an indestructible body.  Hell, enough to build an army of indestructible bodies.”

“What do we do?” asked Dave.  He was a little bit feverish.  He looked at a text message that John sent him on his emergency spare phone; it was a Nokia.  The message itself was an image of a cartoon bunny saying ‘get well soon!’

“We get you to Brasilia,” said Dirk.  “Doctor Feferi Peixes has built a machine there that can synthesize blood and tissue in minutes.  She owes me a couple favors.”

“I would lie and say that I’m fine but that would be really stupid,” said Dave, as Davepeta changed his bandages again.  “You can take me to the fucking moon as long as you make this shit stop hurting I swear to god.”

 

****

By the time they arrived at Feferi’s lab, a narrow but tall tower made of interlocking geometric blocks, Dave had gone grey and was having a hard time keeping on his feet. Feferi met them at the helipad.  She was medium height, dark as cocoa with darker freckles.  Her thick, wavy hair had been bleached to a very light brown, and was sun-streaked on top of that.  The doctor was dressed very professionally, but had a pair of pink swimming goggles dangling from her neck.  “Strider,” she said to Dirk with a nod, looking somewhat harrowed.

“Doctor,” he replied, also with a nod.

“You’re hot,” Dave said, snapping a pic.  He sent it to John, labelled “my doc.  Bet you wish you were having a vasectomy too don’t you?”

“And you’re missing a lot of blood!” she said, looking at him.   “Well, come right this way!” She seemed overly cheerful as she walked them inside.

She talked at length about her machine, the Lifeweaver, and its various properties and abilities.  It could hypothetically synthesize flesh out of anything, she said, turning even metal into nanoscopic fibers to weave into the protein walls of her artificial cells.  “Of course something like that would be too heavy to move, it’d need some kind of power source,” she said, “like a nuclear battery or a magical space rock, but it’s interesting don’t you think?” she said with a winning smile as they waited for the elevator.  “Anyway, we’re using it for another patient right now but I’ll see to it young Mr. Lalonde gets traditional treatment while we wait for it—”

Tavros cleared his throat.  “Excuse me miss, I don’t want to seem a bother but,” he flushed a little bit, clearly feeling he was a bother.  On his dark skin, it only looked like he’d gotten a little browner around the cheeks. “But why weren’t we greeted with a stretcher?”

Feferi just kept smiling.  She twitched her eyes to the side twice, and then started jerking her head in that direction.  Then she mouthed something.  It looked to Dave like it was _they’re in there._

Everyone looked down that hallway.  At the end was a pair of double doors labeled LIFEWEAVER.  A green lamp indicated it was occupied, but the door was slightly ajar.  A massive figure hunched inside, wearing a gaudy fur coat.

“Right,” said Rose, “You and Davepeta take Dave down to the traditional hospital rooms, and we’ll stay up here and wait.”  Her hand crackled with energy as the elevator finally arrived.  Dave passed out before he even set foot inside.

 

****

“Awww, poor bubeleh,” said a familiar voice with a thick, New Yorker accent.  A cool hand stroked Dave’s cheek.  His eyes fluttered open.  “What a beautiful boy you are.  Such long lashes, just as white as your hair.  They look like glass,” the voice went on. 

“Rose?” he asked, seeing a pale figure who was very like himself.  His vision focused.  “Oh Jesus fucking Christ _Mom!?_ ”

She smacked him.  “No swearing, buhbie, it’s rude to take someone else’s God in vain,” she said with a wink.  Her weird red tiara was winking its lights at him.

“I’m sorry but what the Freudian fuck are you doing here?”  She smacked his mouth.

“Ugh, do you still have that gross thing with your sister?” she hugged him.  “Never mind I’m just glad you’re okay!”

“Shouldn’t you be burning down an orphanage?” he snapped.

“Oh that orphanage was empty and you know it!” she said, pulling away from the hug and squeezing his shoulders, just hard enough to hurt.

Looking over his mother’s shoulder, he saw Davepeta and Feferi just watching the reunion as if it was the cutest shit ever.  “Why’d you let her in here?  Didn’t Rose tell you our mom was dangerous?”

“I’ve always wanted to meet Grandma!” Davepeta said, at the exact same time that Feferi unbuttoned her white coat, revealing a stark black-on-pink photograph of Dave’s mom looking incredibly stern, with Cyrillic letters along the bottom spelling out MUTANT AND PROUD.  She then pulled it up to her chest, revealing a pair of rippling shark-like gills.  “I’ve always wanted to meet the great Polaris!” she said.

“Always great to meet a fan!” Mom said, gesturing for the doctor to approach.  “Oh you’re gorgeous!  Look at these gills, they are so uncomfortably adorable!  Can I touch?”  Feferi nodded.  Dave covered his blushing head with a pillow.

As she massaged Feferi’s gills, Mom said, “I would ask you if you were married yet and if not, if you could take Dave off my hands, but he apparently already went and made me a grandchild!  Come here, other buhbie, let me see you.”

“Hi grandma!” Davepeta said, hugging the internationally wanted criminal.

Mom kissed the top of their head.  “Well aren’t you a lovely person!”  She hesitated a moment.  “Ummm?”

“Davepeta!” they declared.

Mom smiled proudly.  “Of course you are!”  With a blink, she added, “Oh, and don’t call me Grandma, I’m too young to be a grandma!  Call me Auntie Rolal.”

Dave threw the pillow at her head, skewing her tiara.  His clone-daughter and doctor shrank away at the flash of annoyance in Mom’s face.  _“You were in the Holocaust!”_

She tossed her head, making her hair flow and bounce.  “Nothing like a little of Captain America’s super-serum for maintaining that girlish figure!” She said with a wink, running her hands up and down her body.

Dave screamed and buried his head in another pillow.  “You’re why I’m so fucked up,” he said, muffled.

“Pfft.  More like _fun_ ned up.  I _fun_ ned you up real good.” 

“ _Fun_ you and the horse you _fun_ ning rode in on,” Dave snapped.

Mom sighed.  The arch-villain known as Polaris stood up, red and purple armor flowing onto her body from where she had stowed it around the room.  “I need to get going soon Dave,” she said, “but there’s one thing you kids need to know about Lord English!” Dave put down the pillow and listened.

“He built himself an army of Adamantium robots alright,” she said, “but worse, he’s synthesizing vibranium to make some kind of weapon.  Called me out here because he knew my powers would make it work much more efficiently than some other kind of power source, but I turned him down.  Killing humans is one thing, but it would’ve killed mutants too, and you know how I feel about that, it’s kind of my thing.  Also he was building a new body out of the Mindstones and vibranium enhanced flesh so he could become god post-disaster, and then your friends stole it but he kidnapped your sister _and Mommy loves you bye!”_ She kissed Dave on the nose as he started to scream again and then jumped out the window.

“What a woman,” Feferi said, standing up to close the window and adjusting her shirt.  “I should’ve asked her to autograph these,” she muttered.

“Why did you let her in here,” Dave grumbled at Davepeta.

Hawkcat shrugged.  “She had a really _magnetic_ personality!”  Dave threw his last pillow at them.

His phone rang again.  “So have they finished cutting your dick off or what?” John asked.

“That’s not how they do it John,” Dave said with a groan.

“Your balls then,” John said easily.

“I am not in the fucking mood Egbert, my mom was just over,” he grumbled.

“Ooooh.  I see.”  John was quiet for a moment.  Then: “Man I used to have such a huge crush on her.”

“No.”

“Dave your Mom is hot, sorry to disappoint you.”

“She’s like fucking ninety,” Dave hissed.

Yeah, a ninety out of ten.”  He growled.

Dave sighed.

 

****

Back at Avenger’s tower, Dirk and Karkat looked on English’s incomplete body.

“We should destroy it,” said Karkat.  “It’s a virus just like _he_ is.”

“Okay but what if,” said Dirk, “and trust me on this—what if it’s literally just an empty vessel?”

Karkat shrugged noncommittally.

“It’s doesn’t have any brainwaves or life signs,” Dirk went on.  “The scans didn’t pick up anything dangerous.”

“It’s a _machine_ numb-nuts,” Karkat growled.  “It’s made of metal.  Okay, cells made of metallic fibers and protein, but still!  There aren’t any life signs because it’s a goddamn virus!”

“It’s pretty small,” said Dirk, ignoring him.  It was slight and dull grey, with a soft cherubic face, with two spiral shaped grooves in the cheeks.  It was completely bald, with no hint of sexual characteristics.  It was just a generic simulacrum of a human being.

“It weighs two tons,” Karkat insisted.  “Who knows what it could do if we powered it up?”

“I like that you say if,” said Dirk.  “Not how.  Because we _did_ manage to get the Mindstones back from the lab.”  He held them up.  Two roughly cut hemispheres of bright lime-green gemstone, their flat sides carved with grooves that looked like spirals, one clearly designed to fit into the other.

“You’re a fucking lunatic,” Karkat snarled.  “If we try to use that, it’ll just turn out like last time.  It’ll tear up all the machines around here like Tavros at a buffet, snatching up bits and pieces of their programming to create some kind of sadistic brotard patchwork personality, just like last time!  And then we’ll have _two_ English fuckers around!  But _worse,_ because you’ll have put it _right inside the perfect body that the first one was trying to make!_   There’re three thousand other reasons why this is a terrible idea but honestly do you really need another one!?”

Dirk waited for a second, tapping his foot to an imaginary beat.  “Are you done?  Because I think I’m gonna do this anyway, and you’re gonna help me.”  He reached into a drawer and pulled out a cartridge made of transparent orange polymers, labeled ‘Calliope’.  “Another AI I was working on a few years back,” he explained.  "She was programmed to be one of the gentlest souls imaginable for help in hospitals and in the homes of the disabled.  Modeled her partly after the good Dr. Peixes, and partly on the Queen of England because I was going through my anglophile phase.  Plus, I figured out who our benefactor from earlier was, the one fighting Cal off the Internet.”  He waved his hand, bringing up a holographic display.  To a layman it was a storm of broken up geometric patterns arranged vaguely into a circle.  To the two of them, it was the remains of Lil’ Hal.  “These fragments of him survived the attack and they’ve been working to undermine English ever since.”  He said.  “I’m going to combine them with Calliope, make her capable of war, give her a motivation to destroy English.”

Karkat was turning red with rage.  “I think you’re out of your robot-fucking gourd.”

“You should get out of yours,” said Dirk, inserting the cartridge into a slot on the wall.  The holographic display showed a loading bar as the two codes combined.  “I do my best thinking when I’m out of my own mind.”

Dave walked by, texting John about how he should stop fixating on Dave’s mother and just go find a girl already, when he noticed Dirk Slapping the Mindstones into the fake-body’s cheeks.  “Shit,” he said, and ran off to get the others.

Karkat was just beginning to scream, his hands elongating into claws and heat burning off his clothes, when Vriska arrived.  “Look, this is putting a real damper on our relationship,” she sighed.

Karkat screeched in her face, pupils slitting, as he grew huge in size.  “I’ve gotta say,” Vriska said in a low whisper, “The way you turn into a horrible frustacean monster?”  She touched his rapidly hardening face, and he stopped screaming for a while.  “It really gets me,” she paused for effect; her fingers sizzled.  “Hot.”

Karkat coughed.  And then he exploded into the Grump, showering the group with molten chitin.

“Hey right here loser,” shouted Dave, unable to think of a better quip as he jumped up onto the perfect body and hurled a bedpan at the Grump’s head.

The monster turned around and roared its mandibled, armored head.  Dave sliced through time.  Everything around him slowed to a crawl, moving as if through syrup.  Curiously, sliced this thinly everything took on a blue cast.  Crabkat looked to be deep purple instead of bright red, and Dirk’s mechsuit had taken on the color of ashes and blood.  Above, Davepeta was crashing through the ceiling with the Warhammer of Zillyhoo; she’d pushed it through a skylight, relying on its tremendous weight to crush the perfect body no doubt.  He wasn’t sure it would be enough.

Dave waited until the hammer had nearly crushed him, then he took his sword, a collapsible longsword that Dirk had built him, and wedged it between the chitin plates on the Grump’s claw, dragging it toward him, then twisted his body around.  The claw was now occupying the same place where he had been standing, right above the body, and in the path of the falling Warhammer.

Dave stepped back into normal time.

Everything was still so goddamn blue.

 

****

Calliope absorbed all the color in the room, like a black hole leeching light from a star.  The red of Karkat’s radiation, the concussive blue _force_ of the hammer, the green light of the Mindstones on her cheeks, all were sucked right into the little grey form.  Then it sucked out all the color from every nonliving thing.  Dave’s tux went grey, and so did Vriska’s catsuit, Dirk’s armor, and even the light in his chest went dull grey.  For a moment, Dave thought he’d made a terrible mistake.

Then the body flashed brilliant white, too bright to look at directly, and the color returned, stronger than before.  Dave’s tux _screamed_ red, Vriska’s suit was impenetrably black, its blue highlights glowing like stars, and Dirk’s arc-reactor blazed like a sun.

[The light faded,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrIofwv86HM) leaving behind a naked little creature on a stretcher, staring up at the assembled Avengers.  “What?” it muttered, “who?”

The creature stood up clumsily, moving as if her limbs weighed a ton.  Everyone flinched.  It hopped off the stretcher and the floor cracked under her feet.  It twisted her lip and floated off the ground.

Karkat gasped.  No one had even noticed him transforming back into himself.  “Um, new thing,” he began, “state your business or… I’ll eat you!” he shouted.

It ignored him, choosing instead to float over to Dave.

“Hi,” he said, taking a step back.

The thing cocked its head, and then its scalp and body seemed to _unfold_ , flowing out of itself, until it had copied Dave’s silvery-white hair, and his tuxedo.  Oddly, it changed the colors.  Green, with a red tie.

The new thing drifted over to Vriska.  “What are you?” it asked.

Vriska choked.  “Um, me?”  She quickly recovered and tossed her hair with a smirk.  “Well I’m just perfect.  I’m a professional assassin and infiltrator, an accomplished martial artist, Olympic class fencer, a flawless soprano, gambling expert, a level 60 rogue and expert game master, and semi-professional ballerina.”  The creature nodded, as if it wanted to know more.  Vriska blinked.  “I’m Russian, I play a mean xylophone.”  It nodded again, its big green eyes gleaming.  Vriska gulped.  “I’m a girl!  I’m twenty four years old!  I’m…I’m really annoying sometimes, and demanding and overbearing, and I’m in love with some currently naked and angry _ingrate_ , who just won’t understand how awesome I am!”  She threw her shoe at Karkat.

“I want to be all those things,” the creature said, ignoring the angrily swearing Vantas.  “A martial artist, a game master, and Russian, and in love, and a girl!”  It had a slight British accent, Dave noted.  As Vriska had been speaking, it slowly altered the shape of its body, and by extension its clothes, becoming more feminine.  It grew curves, and musculature, and its limbs telescoped out to match Vriska’s height.  Its face grew eyelashes, and its lips became pouty and green.

Tavros and Sawtooth walked into the room, one holding a stack of pizzas and the other a tray of Starbucks iced coffees.  “What’d we miss?” asked Tavros, eyes widening.

 

****

The creature called itself— _her_ self, Calliope.  It had gone to each of the Avengers in turn, interviewed them, and taken a little bit of them into her self-image, altering her design.  She shortened herself again upon meeting Davepeta, adding a bit of fat to her body, and duplicated Sawtooth's metal hands.  There were other, subtler changes, so that by the end, when she’d met everybody, she didn’t look like a generic body or a copy of Vriska, but a unique human.  Well, aside from that grey skin.  It gleamed in the florescent light like polished lead.  “I’m starting to remember things now,” she said.  She was sitting on the edge of the metal table she’d been ‘born’ on, chewing her lip in thought.  “About what I am and what it means that I exist…and who… _he_ is.”  She stood up, beginning to float just before she touched the ground, and flew up, and out of the little glass room.  “My brother,” she continued.  “Or as close as I can come to having a brother.”  She sighed.

“We’re all doomed,” Calliope said with a decisive air.  The top of her scalp unfolded into spiral shaped horns, seemingly cast from gold, and a velvety blue cape spilled from her shoulders and onto the floor, pooling like freshly spilled blood.  “There will come a time when the courage of men fails,” her eyes were hooded, and she seemed unimaginably old, “when you forsake your friends and break all bonds.  An hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down.”  She held out her hand, and the Warhammer floated into her palm.  Outside, lightning struck.  “But not today,” she said with a smile.  A pair of brilliant, slender swan’s wings burst from her back in a flurry of silver light.  “Today, we give my brother a _thrashing._ ”

 

****

“First thing’s first,” said Dave, “we’re rescuing my sister.”  It was hard to keep the tremble out of his voice now that his friends confirmed what his mother had told him.  He couldn’t stand to be without Rose.  They were like the same being, soul split between two bodies.  She was his right hand, his left brain, his other half.  He simply could not live without her at his side.

He’d left so many things left unsaid.

Calliope’s horns glowed as she tapped into the power of her Mindstones.  “She’s being held at Wozzinjay Castle in Pipplemop,” she said after a few minutes.

“Then that’s where we’re going,” said Dave.

“I’ve scoured my brother off the internet,” Calliope added.  With a smile, she went on.  “If he’s a virus, then I’m the best anti-virus there is.”

“Well that’s great,” said Dirk.  "Now he’s confined to a secure network that’s mostly located inside Pipplemop itself.  I’m assuming that includes his machine army and any bot servers he might have set up.  So basically, we’re going to destroy every last trace of him before he can unleash that weapon.”

Dave nodded.  “Me and Davepeta will go and spring Rose, then meet up with the rest of you to dismantle some fuckboy robots.  Fuckbots?”

Before anyone could confirm or deny the awesomeness of the nickname, his phone went off again.  Dave groaned.

“Just _silence_ that piece of crap when you’re with us, is that so _fucking_ hard?!” Karkat snarled, incarnadine creeping up his neck.

Vriska walked right past him and put her hand on Calliope’s shoulder.  “Soooooooo, have you ever seen a movie called _Chappie_?” she asked.

“I was born a few minutes ago, but I can download it to my brain,” she replied with a bright smile.

“Nah, it’s alright,” said Vriska, "how about I just give you some fight training?”

“That would be lovely!” said Calliope.

Karkat sputtered, his rage diminishing to nothing.  “What the fuck…?” he asked.

“You lost her,” said Sawtooth.  “But don’t worry.  I’m sure some other beautiful European ballet dancer who is the only one that can control your deadly rage will fall in love with you.”

 

****

An hour of hard planning later, and Dave squirreled himself away in a hallway away from the others, wanting to return John’s call.  In case he didn’t return, he wanted to assure his normal friends that he was alright.

He accidentally hit video call, and was surprised to see John, grinning manically.  “Man, Dave, guess who just got a date?  It’s me.  I bet you’re so jealous.”

“Yeah,” said Dave, “I have so many groupies that I had to get a vasectomy, but no I’m totally fucking jealous of your one lousy date.”

John shook his head with a _tsk_.  “Okay fine but you need to remember that _I’m_ not just in it for mere sex, _Dave_ , which you probably can’t even have anymore now that they sewed your genitals shut!  I’m looking for a relationship, and I promise you it is gonna be one of love and commitment and communication and _oh my God who is that?”_

Dave looked over his shoulder and saw Vriska walking down the hallway with Calliope, carrying a pile of guns and martial arts weapons each.  “Your marksmanship is good but I guess you don’t really need it, what with those lasers and all,” she said.

“Perhaps,” said Calliope, rubbing her Mindstones self-consciously, "but it was so _fun!_   And the martial arts stuff will come in handy when I fight a strong enemy, like English’s main body I’m sure.”

“The freakish alien-looking one is Vriska and the short cute one is Calliope,” said Dave.  “Some girls I work with—I mean totally scored with on tour.”

“Calliope huh?” said John, trying to peer around Dave’s head.

“Yes, that’s me!” said Calliope, snatching the phone out of Dave’s hand.  “What an odd little device.  Hello!”

“Hi, I’m John,” John sputtered.

“Yo Callie that was really rude,” said Dave.

“Oh my, you’re a very handsome human,” Calliope said.

“What do you mean by human?” asked John dreamily.

“No really Callie; that was the rudest shit.  And John she’s just playing, don’t mind her she’s crazy.”

“Well I’m an android,” she said simply.  “I was created to be the perfect body of a malevolent AI.”

“Ooooh a cosplayer!” John said, throwing up his hands in a moment of ‘eureka’.  “I love that you’re not breaking character!”

Dave snatched the phone back.  “Wait no, I need her number!”

“It’s alright I already memorized yours!” Calliope said.

Dave snapped it in half over his knee.

“What a lovely gentleman,” Calliope declared, popping her foot into the air.

Vriska burst out laughing.

 

****

Wozzinjay, Pipplemop, was an old European city located in the Zillyhoo region, and home to a line of ancient weapon-smiths whose artwork reflected the ambient beauty of the city.  This included soaring spires and colonnades, twisting pillars and impossibly tall onion domes, a kaleidoscope of stone, a rainbow of glass and concrete.  Gigantic, happy-faced statues loomed everywhere, their simplistic pink faces grinning down absently on the streets bellow, cobbled, it is said, with an assortment of stones, no two of which were exactly the same shade.  Large ornately engraved brass plaques bearing a proud Z emblazoned all the major buildings, polished to the point that they seemed like scraps of fire hung on the rainbows, jewels upon jewels.

It was gaudy as fuck.

 

uu: we went off to raid my brother’s cathedral fortress.

EB: sounds like a fun campaign!

EB: and im so glad that you managed to remember my number.

uu: yes, a harrowing campaign fUll of thrills and chills!

uu: firstly i incinerated the main gUard, composed mainly of his horrible robots.  each of them has an imprint of his exact personality U_U

EB: haha, he sounds lame.

uu: very lame indeed. he is not terribly creative.  he’s a fUckboy in fact.  we call his robots fUckbots.

EB: im surprised a guy like that would play that kind of game with you!

uu: game?

 

****

Dave took English by surprise and dismantled him.  _Completely_ dismantled him, with a screwdriver and everything.  He had to slice time to wafer thinness, slowed everything to a stop.  And still, he was certain that it had had a chance to alert the other fuckbots.  But for now, he was holding the cuestaff, wearing English’s fuzzy hat, and searching for Rose.

Another, bulkier version of English burst through a wall.  “Look at this bitch talking shit on me to the press the other day what’s good Dave!?” it shouted, eyes glowing red as its head spun around like a possessed demon—

A long piece of rebar burst through its chest, wretched in black and purple energy.  Two more joined it on either side, and then one through the head.

“Ahh, Dave,” said Rose, wiping off her hands and stepping over the mechanicorpse.  “You’re a bit late; I’d broken out some twenty minutes ago and have been _quite_ busy destroying the rest of the sentry robots.  Still, A for effo—”

Dave took her by the shoulders and planted an angry kiss on her lips, letting out years of poorly restrained passion in one fifteen second-long gesture.  “I adore you,” he said, wiping black lipstick off his mouth.

“Y-yeah,” said Rose, her face as red as the flower she was named after.  “Me too actually.  Totally.”  She kissed him back, popping her foot like a Hollywood starlet.

Davepeta screamed.

 

****

EB: so what was this about a perfect body you mentioned earlier? ;B

uu: <blUshes a shade of green i heretofore had no knowledge of being able to turn!>  *sir!* i am frankly a little offended and *more* than a little flUstered!

EB: really, your costume looks fantastic!  and i think youre pretty!

uu: <melts into a pUddle of liquid metal goo> yoU are a godless cad john egbert, i swear, the english sentries won’t have to toUch me, i’ll have died of the vapors dUe to yoUr shameless flirting ^u^

 

And then John sent her something terrifying.  A topless selfie.  Calliope made a sound between a choke and a gasp.  His abs were _transcendent._   She made to drop her phone, but she didn’t have one, it was all in her mind’s eye, so she dropped the Warhammer instead.

The skull-headed fuckbots screamed obscenities and piled on top of her, pressing her down to the floor.  They were instantly shredded by a dome of green light.  Calliope dusted herself off, Mindstones fading back to dimness.  She looked both ways; a squad of fuckbots was approaching from the east, both winged fliers holding katanas and ground troops armed with guns. She picked the hammer back up, and whirled it around her head, conjuring a tornado of blue wind that she hurled into the crowd. The street was now empty, and a quick scan with her Mindstones confirmed that so were all the buildings.

 

uu: yoU’re…incredibly handsome john~!

uu: i’m afraid you have me all twitterpated, yoU scoundrel!

EB: haha, sorry calliope.

uu: no, don’t be U_~

She transformed one of her fingers into a fiber-optic camera and then folded her clothes back into herself.  She sent John a topless selfie right back.

On the other side of the world, John Egbert received a text message, and collapsed from a _waterfall_ of a nosebleed.

“I’m gonna marry that girl,” he thought.

 

****

The Grump was arguing with Vriska, his pair of red claws matching her pair of electric blue scimitars.  “I LOVE YOU, PUNY RUSKY!” it roared.  It snapped its claws and a ball of irradiated air shout out, bowling over a dozen sentries.

“Then why don’t you fucking ACT LIKE IT YOU ARMOR PLATED BONER!?”  Vriska performed a spin attack with her electrified blades, decapitating three more fuckbots.

“BECAUSE YOU’RE SCARIER THAN I AM! AND HAVE YOU SEEN ME? I LOOK LIKE GODZILLA FUCKED A PILE OF COCONUT CRABS!”  He snatched an English robot, a larger model intended to house a main consciousness, and cracked it open, squeezing hydraulic fluid onto the floor as it caught fire.

“I’M ONLY SCARY BECAUSE I LACK SELF CONFIDENCE, GLOBSTER BRAINS!”  She flung a sword overhand and impaled another English robot through the head, bringing it to its knees.  She pulled out a heavy blued-steel revolver and finished it off.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DOMINATE ME AND TREAT ME LIKE A DISOBEDIENT PUPPY!?”  The Grump leapt over Vriska and curbstomped an approaching riot of assorted machines.

“I WAS SCARED YOU WOULD PULL SOME STUPID SHIT LIKE RUNNING AWAY, LIKE A _STUPID_ FUCKING MARTYR, IF YOU THOUGHT FOR EVEN A SECOND THAT I WASN’T STRONG ENOUGH TO KEEP THE GRUMP REIGNED IN!”  With the last bullet in her revolver, she head-shotted a fuckbot that had been piloting an attack helicopter, holstering the gun with a twirl.

Karkat had nothing else to say.  So stunned was he, in fact, that he instantly shed his excess mass and returned to his normal form.  He walked up to Vriska and put his hand on her cheek.  “Vris?” he said.

Vriska gulped.  “Yeah?”

“You’re a goddamn moron and I’m ashamed to admit that I’m madly in love with you because of how stupid that statement just was,” he said.

Vriska slapped him, then drew him into a violent kiss.  With her free hand she drew a custom metallic blue uzi engraved with spider web patterns, then raised her arm and laid down a round of suppressive fire on the surrounding fuckbots before letting him go.  “Wanna go steady?” she asked, slicing off a robot’s head with her offhand.

 

****

[Lord English watched as the Avengers tackled with his robots, fur cape flowing in the breeze.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEipTR6KTyA)  Technically they were all him as well, but the largest part of his consciousness was inside one of the Englishes.  He’d put most of his aggression and military tactical learning inside the advanced Prime English, a double-sized English robot made almost entirely of adamantium, claws humming with vibranium.

“Fucking plebes,” he said as he watched from the cathedral spire.  “Oldest trick in the book.”  He turned aside to activate the weapon, his latest cuestaff model humming with magnetism copied right off Polaris. Soon, those energies would be magnified by the vibranium core, and would rip the entire Zillyhoo region right off the planet's crust. Then he'd bring it back down. Being an evil genocidal genius was so damn fun.

The machine was gone.

“Nah son,” said a voice from up above.

His sight orbs redirected up towards the nave, and saw the thing he’d dreaded the most since starting this operation.

  “Did you really think I was gonna leave you alone?” she asked.  English tried to run, but was instantly gripped by magnetism, as if every molecule of his body had been seized by an invisible hand.

She turned him around in midair, clicking her tongue.  “I was originally gonna leave it to my kids but hey, they’re a little preoccupied.”  Polaris whispered, “working on some Freudian issues,” she said, waggling her eyebrows heavily.

And then she ripped him to pieces.

 

****

A wave of electromagnetism swept through the whole city of Wozzinjay.  Fuckbots fell like snow, shattering on the ground like so many swatted Christmas baubles.

Calliope felt a tiny bit of discomfort, but not much.  It almost felt like something had pulled at her soul, but it stuck firm.  She was really more worried about why John hadn’t responded.

Dave and Rose strolled arm in arm up the boulevard, stepping around piles of colorful rubble.  Davepeta walked behind, looking as if they had seen the absolute worst thing in their life.  “What’d we miss?” asked Dave.

“These two are gross,” Davepeta hissed.

 

EB: <3

EB: can we go steady?

 

Calliope smiled.  “Everything!”

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this in one day bitches  
> I am not planning on making all of the Marvel films part of this continuity, this was a pure and simple one-shot. It wouldn’t work to try to advance the plot past this anyway because who other than Lord English could stand in for Thanos?  
> I didn’t get to fully explore every character here, due to time constraints. I will tell you that Tavros is part black and part Puerto Rican, and that a whole crop of super-serum soldiers was made but he was the only survivor. He also has a matching America Lance that shoots rockets.  
> Karkat turns into a crab-monster because I am one of three people who watched Aang Lee’s _Hulk_ and therefore know that the MCU Hulk has sea creature DNA in him. I made him radioactive and hot because I envisioned a scene where he claps his claws to make an energy wave a la pistol shrimp, and it was incredible.  
>  Spider-Man and the X-Men exist in this made-up continuity, with Nepeta taking the place of Wolverine. She and Dave made out once at a party and that’s how they got the DNA to make Davepeta. Kissing can lead to illegal clone babies kids, don’t do it.  
> Finally, if it isn’t blaringly obvious, Roxy is this continuity’s Magneto. She is also the mother of Dave and Rose, who keep their origin story from before Marvel retconned it for the movie. Dave is a mutant, and Rose is a witch (though she does have the mutant power to glow slightly). I named Roxy after yet another one of canon Magneto’s babies, but for all intents and purposes in this continuity, Magneto _is_ Polaris, and Polaris doesn’t exist.  
>  Happy birthday to Lordlyhour! It’s still your birthday in America…at least it was when I posted this. I made this because he requested an Avengers AU after reading my little joke in [this other fic I co-wrote.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2782310/chapters/6241664) I originally wanted to make it tie into that story more, but the time-scale didn’t match up and I wanted to switch Dave from Captain America to Quicksilver. Still, I kept Calliope/John, as he specifically requested.  
> If anyone sees that I misgendered Davepeta, please for the love of god tell me exactly where so I can fix it, thank you.


End file.
